Starter questions for a heated debate about cookie candy corn

Instagram account @theJunkFoodAisle spotted the cookie candy corn curiosity at Dollar General.

So, here’s a thing: In certain Dollar Generals, and potentially elsewhere Brach products are sold, you can find on certain shelves Cookie Candy Corn. The candy corn variety appears to be inspired by a mixed plate of cookies and the individual candy flavors are chocolate chip, oatmeal, cookies n’ cream and butter cookie.

First, “cookie n’ cream” is not a type of cookie. Second, who thought this would be a good idea? Third, which is the most appealing flavor from the mixed cookies and which is getting left in the bottom of the bag? Fourth, does this make candy corn less or more trash?

Let’s take these questions in reverse order.

4. Is cookie candy corn more or less trash than normal candy corn?

Well, this accepts the hypothesis that candy corn is trash — which it is. But if you live your life in darkness, if love candy corn, consider the question phrased thus: Is cookie candy corn more or less incredible than normal candy corn?

Phrased a third way: Does a candy that’s flavor palate is simply sugar and notes of “marshmallow, vanilla and buttery caramel” stand to benefit from a foodstuff that is also made from sugar, butter and vanilla? What about oatmeal, chocolate chip, cookies n’ cream i.e. Oreo, or butter cookie? Alternatively, do cookies stand to benefit from being produced in candy corn consistency? That’s an easy no. Cookies are a delight and the superior half of this partnership. Meaning there is a case to be made that cookies could improve the flavor profile of candy corn.

So, then, comes the question of ranking the potential flavors.

3. Which is the most appealing cookie candy corn?

Cookies n’ cream is an obvious number one here. That’s because cookies n’ cream anything ranks well, what with its strong balance of chocolate-ish cookie and ice-cream-ish cream, which provides something resembling equilibrium.

Then, chocolate chip. Chocolate chip candy corn kind of sounds like it would taste like hardened cookie dough, which could actually be pretty good. Solid No. 2.

The sneaky next best cookie candy corn is butter cookie flavor. This is because, ultimately, this list ends with the piece of cookie candy corn left behind in the bottom of the bag and that is definitely oatmeal. Butter cookie candy corn almost definitely tastes just like normal candy corn. Let’s remember: Candy corn tastes like sugar with buttery notes of vanilla. Butter cookies are made of butter, flour and sugar. Butter cookies bring literally nothing to the flavor table that candy corn does not already have. Therefore, one would consume butter cookie candy corn with the same fervor one consumes normal candy corn — and, in this hypothetical, you love candy corn, so that fervor is quite strong.

That leaves oatmeal candy corn. Oatmeal cookies, especially Potbelly’s chocolate chip oatmeal cookies but also oatmeal raisin cookies generally, are beloved alt-cookie choice. But, have you ever bitten into an oatmeal cookie and thought, wow, good, but what this needs is 100 more pounds sugar? No. Oatmeal cookies strike an artful balance of flavorless breakfast grain and sugar-forward snack. Messing with that balance, by, say, turning it into an oatmeal-flavored nugget of sugar is a bad idea and definitely the least appealing of the cookie candy corn options.

But then I can’t stand candy corn, so what do I know?

2. There remains the question of who thought this was a good idea.

That, we have to believe, was some Brach’s maverick. And hat tip to him, we’re kind of coming around to the thought.

Next: The best fast food joint in every state

The first question was not actually a question: Cookies n’ cream is still not a type of cookie. We’re done here.