Every worthwhile sports bar appetizer, ranked by pure personal preference

Credit: Fado’s

3. Wings

Let me just say right now I don’t like wings, but I respect what wings have accomplished. Wings are iconic. Wings are a pillar of the sports bar appetizer community. Wings mean a lot to people who mean a lot to me and wings have brought much pleasure and satisfaction to sports bar patrons who are hungry but not hungry enough to order a burger. They hit two of the three power qualifiers for good appetizers (fried, good choice of sauces).

Wings have even contributed to the community in the form of really cheap deals and I am a strong supporter of bar deals and/or making decisions based on deals.

In fact, wings might be the most quintessential sports bar appetizer. Still, they are not the best.

2. Soft Pretzel

Here’s another story for you: Last year, I planned a soft pretzel crawl, which is exactly what it sounds like. Along with a group of likeminded soft pretzel enthusiasts otherwise known as my friends, I ventured to five Chicago establishments — three out of five of which were sports bars — sampling soft pretzels in various forms (nuggets, Bavarian style, breadstick-ish, stadium and/or shopping mall style) with their respective dipping sauces (fake cheese, spicy mustard, fancy cheese, more fake cheese).

Once, someone told me they had never had a soft pretzel and I stopped speaking to them.

All of which is to say, this is my ranking and soft pretzels are No. 2.

1. Nachos

The degree to which I love soft pretzels should indicate to you in how high of an esteem I hold nachos. That’s because nachos are a perfect sports bar appetizer.

Nachos:

• Feature cheese prominently, melted, sprinkled and/or in queso form
• Include your choice of meat (chicken! brisket! pulled pork! bacon!) but are also eminently vegetarian-friendly
• Involve your choice of dipping-sauce-like additions (salsa! guac! queso! sour cream!)
• Are subtly customizable, meaning you can hold or add things without being a massive jerk
• Adapt to whatever cuisine you’re in the mood for, e.g., BBQ nachos, kimchi nachos, breakfast nachos, etc.
• Feed groups, duos, and solo consumers — in other words, nachos are easily scalable

Essentially, they combine all the best things about the previous appetizers (loadable foods and the foods onto which you load them) in one perfect appetizer.

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The only thing nachos are not is fried, which is kind of a blessing because it makes them feel less bad for you, or something. And really, if you go to the right bar and you may even find fried nachos, which actually might be the holy grail of sports bar appetizers.