Kale and Pizza candy canes are here to ruin your Christmas spirit early

Christmas is still over 90 days away, but that doesn’t mean one company isn’t doing its hardest to ruin your taste buds well in advance of the holiday season! Archie McPhee is back with questionable candy cane flavors.

Archie McPhee, a company well known for making “weird” candy cane flavors, is at it again when they announced this week they’ll be adding kale and pizza to their flavor repertoire. The candy canes, which can be purchased in packs of six starting at $6.50, are available on the Archie McPhee website.

In the words of Michael Scott, “no, God, NOOO!” Look, I’ll fully admit that I’m not a real fan of candy canes to begin with; Peppermint rods that make your hands stickier than the bottom of a subway car don’t really appeal to me. However, I’m more than happy to fight for the normalcy of candy canes because I’ve had it with this new trend of creating the most vial and unappetizing flavors for traditional food and snacks.

It all started with the weird obsession that everyone has with pickles, which turned into pickle flavored ice cream, then next thing you know we have Hidden Valley trying to taint Pop-Tarts forever by proposing a ranch flavored addition. 

Those products don’t cross my mind as appealing and neither do these new flavors of one of Christmas’ most iconic treats. I don’t care how much Archie McPhee tells me that their kale candy cane is “not only very nutritious but also incredibly delicious” or that they say their pizza candy cane “offers a little slice of Italian-spiced heaven” and that it is “allegedly cooked in a candy-fired oven by Sicilian elves.” You won’t be able to find me anywhere near this unholy union of food and candy cane.

These are the facts; Candy Canes are supposed to be peppermint. I’ll also make an exception for blue raspberry, and maybe I’ll even be open to strawberry and green apple flavors.

However, the idea that any weird and unusual flavor can pair with another food just because they both happen to be edible needs to stop. We’ve reached the breaking point.