Totino’s Breakfast Snack Bites review: All of this complete breakfast

Back in 2015, there was a quick heating breakfast treat that my wife and I called “Breakfast Triangles.” They were, in fact, Hot Pockets Breakfast Bites, and while I was generally okay with them, my partner was so obsessed with them that she ate them nearly every day. We are healthy people who know how to treat our bodies right.

Unfortunately for her (and me, I guess), Breakfast Triangles ceased to exist at some point, and nothing has really filled that void. Until now. Enter Totino’s Breakfast Snack Bites, which are a vastly different product but have filled the triangular hole in my wife’s heart. [Reminder: please have the doctor look at the triangular hole in my wife’s heart.]

Totino’s Breakfast Snack Bites come in three flavors: Pork Shoulder Bacon & Cheese Scramble, Sausage & Cheese Scramble, and Cheesy Chorizo Scramble. Of particular note, while all three include the listed meat product, they do not actually contain cheese or eggs. Instead, there’s “imitation cheddar cheese in a golden crust” and “seasoned meatless crumbles.” Presumably that lets them last longer in the freezer, and makes sure they’re not quite as dried out as eggs could get. But also I’m not a scientist, and I just eat stuff and write about it for a living, so take my expert opinion with a grain of imitation salt.

The important thing here is what they taste like, and the answer is: pretty darn good. All three are your typical Totino’s, aka blazing hot when you ignore the “let them sit for two minutes, you numbskull” directions that are clearly printed on the package. For the purpose of this review, I tried two of the three cooking methods recommended on the packages: 1) cook in the microwave for two minutes, then let them sit for two minutes before eating, and 2) cook in the air fryer for five minutes, shake, then cook for another four minutes. The third method is in the oven, and that felt a little repetitive with the air fryer method so I didn’t bother.

Generally speaking, if you have an air fryer I highly recommend that over the microwave method. Not only are the bites (naturally) a little crunchier, but the flavors in the little bites were much more pronounced than with the microwave, which tended to flatten everything out. With the air fryer method, I felt like I was having a quick-fix breakfast; with the microwave method, I felt like I was just stuffing fuel in my gullet.

Regardless, though, these are all pretty good and flavorful. The imitation cheese and “meatless crumbles” are mostly there for texture, and they are about as goopy as your regular Totino’s pizza bite, which is to say not goopy at all.

The star of the show, as it should be, is the meat. Chorizo was the one I was looking forward to the most, and it has a nice little bit of that classic chorizo spice, as well as a solid mouthfeel; though as it turns out this one was probably at the bottom of my list. The Sausage also tasted like a solid bit of, you know, sausage, and as the chunks were a little heftier than the Chorizo gave a good bit of bite to the whole affair.

The real stand-out, though, was the Pork Shoulder Bacon, which is thick cut and feels like you’re eating little bits of bacon throughout. Not crunchy bacon, mind you, but they were very flavorful and provided the best contrast with the rest of the bite.

Will any of these replace using the actual ingredients to make your own scramble or sandwich? Definitely not. But as something you can pop in the microwave (or preferably the air fryer) while you make your kids lunch, or just, you know, stare off into space? This is a great snack. And more importantly, thank you Totino’s on behalf of myself and my wife for fulfilling an important breakfast need.